Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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