I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize