You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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