They should really pass out barf bags in church
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
