My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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