oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
