he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
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We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
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I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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