Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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