Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
