But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
