Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
as a side note pls kill me
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
