I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
