cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
