I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
