Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she peed on how many people?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
