Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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