you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
