eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
