Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
