I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
