I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
