I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
