I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
