my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
