My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
