How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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