Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
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