my phone needs a breathalizer
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
