Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
