He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
