What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
