It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
