he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
