What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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