At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
