the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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