just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
