i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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