If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
