toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
