Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
