a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm bleeding and have questions
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
