I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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