the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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