your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Oh god it's open bar.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
