I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He has the fingertips of a God
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
