I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
