Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
