Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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