a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
