hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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