So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
