like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
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did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
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How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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