I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
