i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
