Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
