I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
