her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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