end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
