dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
