nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
