Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
