A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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